Thursday, August 27, 2009

Frequently Asked Questions 2

Can I get you a water?

No. Thank you, but no. This is my fault–I have a bottle of water already, and I should have put it in plain view. I understand from past appearances that if I don’t put my water in plain view you or someone else on your staff will continue to offer me some every couple of minutes until I either leave or say yes. You’re just trying to be hospitable, I know. You want to do something for me. An author in your library/bookstore/school is an apparition that’s equal parts magical and awkward, like a whale on a beach. And, like a beached whale, I am presumed to be vulnerable and in need of constant hydration.

I didn’t like how much bottled water I was drinking, so I bought this reusable bottle. Yes, it is shaped like a flask but no, it’s still water. The flask shape just happens to fit the pouches of my bag and if necessary, of course, my hip pocket. But isn’t it playful? Seeing this flask out in the open and so close to your children? It says that I’m one of you, that I do not spend every moment of my days in a child’s garden of verses–that I’m less Fred Rogers and more Shel Silverstein, but without all the whoring.

4 comments:

Kelly said...

Hilarious!

Can I get you some coffee then?
Shot of whiskey?

CocoaStomp said...

Nice, Adam. I remember seeing that flask and thinking, whoa, this guy is so Children's-Book-Industry-Circa-1972!

Peter Underhill said...

I get that. If I'm at a signing, the host will keep on coming up to me to ask if I'd like a sandwich or a cup of tea. One thing I don't do is eat while I'm 'performing'. First, the food will be left and become a shrivelled mess by the end of the session. Second, how rude of me to eat and speak at the same time - I'd be saying 'Bye' to folks splattered in food and spittle.
I keep a bottle of water by my side which I point at like a talisman to deter offers of food and drink.
My longest signing lasted a gut-numbing nine hours (although I did have to take a 'comfort break' at seven and a half hours).
Obviously, when the gig is over, I consume to Olympic standard.

Nicely observed Adam.

joverine said...

LOL @ you and @ Kelly(1st comment)

I like your blog-and your art
gonna follow you now in my blog roll to make sure I don't miss an update :)

cheers!
joe
http://joevriens.blogspot.com/